thisfishflies

Lately I've been having these bouts of... Well, it's not depression. I really don't get depressed. Hell, I hardly get sad. I really think I have more serotonin or whatever than most people. Or maybe it's that I just way too laid back. I used to wonder why I'm not really sad ever. Like, I'll read a book and the dog will die and I'll cry, but then feel better. But I don't really get down with real life.

But lately I've just been having these periods of complete boredom and listlessness. I just don't want to do anything and I have this low-level feeling of meh. I'll try to do other things to get my mind off it but nothing really does it. The only way to make it go away for any length of time is to read a good book or long fic. And if it is a bit crappy, the meh will come and I will give up.

It's these kind of moments where I wished I had a therapist. I mean I really do think this has something to do with the ADHD that my dad does not believe I have, no matter that I have had all the symptoms all my life. Hell, my father won't even entertain the idea that I am dyslexic even with the fact that I was in the special reading class with the special ed teacher for a few years, and that I nearly was held back for sucking at reading in 3rd grade. Of course, he also likes to ignore my history of horrible grades, too.

Ugh. My brain has to be fucked up somehow. And it's not the worst thing ever. I mean, I problem is that I'm not depressed. Or sad much. Like, I can understand depression as an abstract thing but I can't relate. I know that with depression, some people can't even get up and face the day, they just don't have that in them, that sad is totally inadequate to how they feel. I have seen this explained in so many places.

But I just can't connect to it. Because I have never been that bad. Even in my saddest times I could make myself happy. It's like other people have broken bones but I've just sprained things once or twice.

So, yeah. Here I am, complaining about being happy. Or, about having moments where I am kinda-not-really-happy. IDEK.

I should sleep.

I need the new inception_kink post to open, like,now. I really want a fic where Eames is like "You managed a kick in zero-G and just might have Mcgyuver skills?" or something. Where Arthur has insane creativity when solving problems and says to Eames "You don't have to dream big when you dream specific" or something.

Also, I need some Inception icons.

RL Update: my building at school was evacuated because of Civil War relics. The bomb squad or some such was called. There were two helicopters and news vans. Yeaaah- my life is exciting! It was a fun few hours this morning.

Well, I was going to make a kinda meta post that I've been planning for a while, but am not up to it. So, I'll just whine about RL.

Recently, my best friend came back from Japan after 6 months. And I'm happy- I've missed her. Only, she is really disrupting my work out schedule. I've only gotten back to it just last month. I walk/run on the treadmill Sunday-Thursday when the shows I watch on TV are on. Usually between 8 and 10. I make an exception for Wednesdays and finish early because another friend comes over to watch In Plain Sight with me.

I like working out. I get that nice endorphin high and am all smiley. I like the slight ache of my legs and love stretching after. But I only feel this way while and after. I have to make myself start by psyching myself up and with the promise of my TV shows.

I only worked out two days last week. The other days I was hanging out with her. And on one of the nights I was getting spectacularly drunk and tweeting about it and probably doing other embarrassing things.

I feel selfish about it, but I don't want friends to come over after I've done four miles and am all stinky before I shower. The only reason the other friend does is that In Plain Sight has been a ritual for over a year and we both go all fangirl-squee over it. I can't hang out with the friend who just came home some other times because I work. I've also gotten into the habit of texting to make plans, and she does not have a cell phone right now. So we can't do the "let's grab something for lunch and hang for an hour before you leave" thing that I do with other friend. It's more of an all day, all afternoon thing. Plus, we really get into shows and marathon things. Like, we watched half of season 2 of Leverage before I realized she had not seen season 1. We pretty much are marathon friends who will spend days together, doing stuff.

But that's not really possible now. That does make me feel bad. Except, she has no health problems like me and is a healthy weight. I am not. I'm trying to get there but the distractions are really messing it up.

Ugh. I think I've said the same time several times. I need to sleep. I work in a few hours.